I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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