I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
