I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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