she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
