i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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