Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
There's always time for handjobs
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Randomize
