I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
