i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
