Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
