I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Randomize
