Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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