I just threw up on my dentist
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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