: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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