there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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