well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
