i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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