Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
