My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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