wat bout pragnant strippers??
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
