ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
