just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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