Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
