Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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