I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
