Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
