Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
