I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
