I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
