I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
