would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
