So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
