Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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