She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
