so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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