its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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