did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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