If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
