...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
