I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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