I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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