im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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