Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
