I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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