Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
