just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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