I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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