You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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