Sacagawea was the original milf.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
