i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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