That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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