Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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