my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
what the fuck happened to the tacos
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
